The fucking friend zone sucks! It is literally the black hole of sadness! Once someone falls in... its damn near impossible to get out. Statistically, there is a 99.9% chance that you will never leave "the zone" once you've been mentally labeled as the dreaded friend.
For all my mathematician readers, who believe in true love, you clearly see there is still hope! 0.1% of hope to be exact! So, I started thinking... let’s explore this 0.1%. It could be VERY POSSIBLE your soul mate is sitting right there in the front row of the friend zone section; and you are standing in the way of your own happiness.
*Pause*: before I get sued... those statistics up there... total bullshit. I literally just made those numbers up. They were just used to paint a mental picture which clearly it worked if you are still reading... *Un-Pause*
We all have "that friend".... You know the one! The one that may not be your type; but they are not bad looking either. You just never saw yourself in a relationship with them, so you really never paid attention. They are your “fix everything always there” person. Whenever something happens, you run to them for advice! They are the ones you vent too when you want to go on and on about issues no one gives a fuck about. The one who listens no matter what, even when they want to scream SHUT THAT SHIT UP ALREADY!
I hate to bust your delusional “that’s my friend” bubble, but I am about to run down 10 signs you have friend zoned someone who you simply shouldn’t have, and now you are missing out on your happily ever slapping stomachs after.
*Disclaimer: If you are married, or have friend zoned someone who is married (as you should) please don't go reading my blog; having epiphanies and shit; wanting to contact the one “that got away”. I am not responsible for the break-up of any marriages or fuckery. You feel like you married the wrong person, and life sucks, well welcome to marriage. Odds are you probably should have married someone from the friendzone… but instead you settled for someone who seemed right now you hate life. Own your shit. Don’t be a douche and cheat. Stop trying to re-invent the wheel; and be miserable with the other married couples. Hate Mail will be deleted - yes I have received hate mail from married... soon to be divorced couples on my blog topics *
1. Your priorities have changed
Yep… its official! Reality has set in, and you are realizing that what was important to you in your 20's, really doesn't cut the fucking mustard in your 30's. When you are in your 20’s you want someone, who is: exciting, adventurous, sexy, loves the nightlife, tall… but not too tall, with a nice ass, humps like a rabbit, and is care free loving life! Once you turn 30, you just want someone who is going to know what to order you from the take out when you are too fucking lazy to cook, who has a decent job, understands the benefits of a 401K/IRA, has or is working towards a better credit score, and who understands the joys in staying in the house on a Saturday night, drinking Hennessy, and watching a good movie. You no longer believe in the “Perfect Mate” check list; because you are now mature enough to know, there is no such thing as the perfect person. If you do find the perfect person, BEWARE and check your credit! IMMEDIATELY! You just got got son! #IdentityTheftIsReal #FreeCreditReport.com
2. They are loyal
I need to define the word loyal, because some of you have no fucking clue what the word means.
(Adjective): a. A god among mere men
With dog-like faithfulness towards one’s master/ mistress
Dammit! After reading that a few times, I just don’t feel like that was a good definition. Sorry! I haven’t used a dictionary in a long fucking time thanks to my good friends at Google (Shout out to Mr. Larry Page for helping me get my degree… without google…those C’s would have been F’s!). But loyalty is defined by me as someone who you can give a knife and be sure that they won’t stab you with it! Most people in the “friend zone” have proved their loyalty time and time again; so, loyalty will never be an issue. If it was an issue; they wouldn’t be a friend!
3. You Are Comfortable as Fuck When They Are Around
You can shit, burp, fart, pick boulders out your nose, let the girls hang free, have your balls smell like vinegar and struggle, walk around with holes in your underwear, take your wig off, and let your crusty feet breath!!! WHO CARES! You are completely comfortable in each other’s presence. You have seen each other at your worst, and it did not even phase you! You might crack a joke or two, but that’s as far as it goes! You just don’t seem to notice or care! If that is not true love, what is?
4. They Aren’t Annoyed by Your Quirks
So, what he listens to Ginuwine every morning, and sounds like a Billy goat trying to get that note out. So, what she knows every line to the movie Mean Girls; and randomly blurts out “It’s not my fault I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina”. Other people may find those quirks to be ANNOYING, but they just don’t phase you! To have someone who accepts those quirky habits… is someone worth taking a second glance at!
5. They Simply Know You Inside and Out
You can have a bad day; and no words need to be said. They just know what to do/say to make it better. Finding someone you have a spiritual tie too… who can since when shit just isn’t right… is rare. To walk away from something so powerful is fucking dumb!
6. They Don’t Sugar Coat SHIT
You are being an asshole; and everyone around you is scared to step up and say something. Not old Friend Zone! Shit what do they have to lose? They have no problem giving it to you straight; because that is the relationship dynamic you have. Frankly it is needed! We all need someone who is going to give it to us straight NO CHASER when we have our heads up our asses!
7. We Only Had Sex Once, It Was an Accident
Yea, because Dicks and Vaginas just bump into each other and sex somehow happens! If you had sex, it is because on some subconscious level you wanted too. Period. It’s a fact people. You can claim it was an accident, or claim it was because you drank too much… but I have NEVER gotten drunk and decided to fuck my blood brother. That shit just does not happen! The body will always tell on you when the opportunity presents itself; and when it does, it is not always a great experience. When friends take it there; the first time may be terrible, because they are questioning the act/but relieved it is happening in the same breath. That’s a lot of emotion to take in. Only way to know what you are dealing with is to give it a real chance. It’s clearly more than a physical thing!
8. Your Family Fucking Loves Them
Accept it! Your family wants you guys together even if you deny there being any chemistry there. That is because regardless of what you tell your family… it’s a feeling everyone feels when you are around each other that cannot be denied or explained! You family annoyingly ask how your “friend” is doing; and never miss an opportunity to throw how great you are for each other in your face!
9. You Can Eat Around Them
Fuck ordering a salad with dressing on the side; you go for the T-bone with mash potatoes and cheesecake for dessert! Why? Because you don’t give a fuck that’s why! They are your friend; therefore, you don’t have to pretend! You can be yourself! If you like putting sugar on your rice; or ketchup on your eggs you do it, and you are happy!
10. They Are the FIRST PERSON You Think to Tell When Something Happens
Got Fired? Won a contest? Saw some funny shit on Facebook/Instagram? Your kids did something super funny? Got a Promotion? Found out you are relocating? The craziest thing ever happens? Who is the first person you want to tell. Is it the person you friend-zoned? You don’t find that person very often because they are rare to come by!
Bottom line, if some or all of these things apply to you; it’s because you friend zoned someone who shouldn’t have been. They may not check off every box on the “Perfect Person” check list; but somehow they are still the perfect person for you. Stop worrying about shit that doesn’t matter. Life is too short for that. If you found someone that “completes you” take them out the fucking friend zone and see where things go! The transition is never easy, but always worth it. Worst case scenario, you realize you shouldn’t have crossed the line, and go back to being great friends; best case scenario, you fall in love, and life is a real-life movie! You will never know until you try! Take a chance.
You broke up with that worthless mothafucka months ago. At the time, ending it seemed like the right thing to do. You even went the extra mile to tell EVERYONE who would listen, that you too are DONE and HOW TERRIBLE he was! You have convinced yourself that you are completely over him. But lonely nights never lie; and you start to thinking: Are thoughts of your worthless ex creeping in every time another guy comes near? Do you keep comparing everything to your last relationship? Face it, you’re still hung up on him, and that’s okay. It happens to all of us. Realizing it is the first step towards letting the past go (I think that’s an AA phrase… but it applies here as well. It’s a fucking addiction people. Its called Dick-matized… we will talk about that later).
It’s easy to lose yourself in the past. Getting over an ex, who you loved deeply or a long-term relationship a very hard thing to do, and it’s going to take time. Just know that it’s not worth torturing yourself over. Don’t dwell on the past. It’ll just hold you back from an incredible future with the right person. Not sure whether or not you’re still not over your last relationship? Use this as your checklist to find out. Trust me… this is from experience.
1. YOUR PHONE’S ALL ABOUT HIM.
It’s already been six fucking months, but your phone’s still filled with photos of the two of you – not to mention all his old texts. You just can’t bring yourself to delete anything just yet. After all, it’s your private phone, and those memories are worth cherishing.
2. YOU’D STILL HOOK UP IF YOU HAD THE CHANCE.
If your ex were to come up to you right now, you’d still happily slap stomachs with him. You don’t see anything wrong with a little ex sex. Of course, there are those pesky feelings you still have for him… but never mind that. I am sure you have just convinced yourself its just sex right (Stop lying to yourself).
3. YOU WANT EVERY GUY TO BE HIM.
You find yourself comparing every other guy to your ex. You want them to look like him, act like him and go to all the same places you went with him. I’m sorry, but there isn’t someone else like him. This just means you don’t think anyone else is good enough.
4. THOSE WEREN’T “ACCIDENTAL” TEXTS/CALLS
You claim you butt dialed him. Sure, you turned on the screen, punched in your code, swiped to his name and entered a text, all with your butt. No one’s ass is that talented, especially not with a smartphone. Unless you’re drunk, they weren’t accidental.
5. YOU REMINISCE OVER A PLAYLIST
You still listen to the playlist you created while you were together or immediately post breakup. It reminds you of how he made you feel and all the little memories you made....
6. HIS NAME JUST SEEMS TO KEEP POPPING UP
One minute you’re talking to your friend about chicken tacos and vibrators, and the next minute you’re telling her all about this one time with your ex. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is, it always comes back to him.
7. YOU LIVE FOR HIM ON FACEBOOK
Whether you’re still friends with your ex on Facebook or not, you spend way too much time “checking up on him” AKA Cyber stalking. Which is FUCKING CREEPY. You claim you’re just seeing how he is. What you really want to know is if he misses you or if he’s moved on.
8. YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN RID OF ANYTHING
I’m not saying you should trash everything he ever gave you, but maybe it’s time to throw out the old rubbers you saved and take down pictures of the two of you. The more reminders you have around, the harder it is to let go. Remember everything you kept will remind you of the good times. No one ever keeps memories of the bad. You are literally mind fucking yourself.
9. YOU ACCIDENTALLY CALL YOUR NEW GUY BY YOUR EX’S NAME
Party FUCKING FOUL! It’s one thing to do this with a rebound guy a few days after a breakup, but calling out your ex’s name during sex or even during a conversation when it’s been several months or more is a clear sign you’re still hung up on your last relationship.
10. THINKING OF HIM MAKES YOU WANT TO CRY
A movie or song makes you think about your past relationship and suddenly, you feel like crying. SHIT, i will can't listen to Floetry without thinking about mine. It still hurts to think that it’s over. All you want is to have your ex come and comfort you.
11. YOU TAKE EVERY CHANCE TO TALK SH*T
Being Petty is one thing; but truly being hurt in another. You want everyone to know how happy you are it’s over. What do you do? You talk sh*t about your ex and your relationship every chance you get. All you’re doing is proving that the past is still on your mind. People who are over it, don't talk about it.
12. JEALOUSY IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME
You can’t move on because you’re too busy being jealous of any and every woman you see your ex talking to. If you haven’t moved on, he shouldn’t move on, either. For the record, this is a psychotic way of thinking... (I just wanted to "For the record this"... I have watched snapped one to many times, and this is normally how the episodes starts off. So unless you want to be the star of a snapped episode, chill on the jealousy).
13. YOU DRIFT AWAY FROM EVERYONE
It’s one thing to want to be alone right after a breakup. Still needing to be alone months later means you haven’t moved on at all. Let your friends help you. You don’t have to date, but you need some help getting past your ex.
14. YOU HOPE YOUR EX SEES YOU WITH SOMEONE NEW
You’re dating again, so you’ve obviously moved on. Now, if only your ex would show up so he could see how happy you are. If you’re only dating to make your ex jealous, you haven’t really moved on.
If any of these apply to you, it’s time to seriously have a talk with yourself. Do not worry about what other will say; just focus on you and your wants. If you feel like you made a mistake by splitting up, don't suffer, call the man and let him know what you are feeling. Understand he may not feel the same as you; but at least you can say you tried, and allow the healing process to truly begin. OR you can just move the fuck on. Plenty of fish in the sea right? You deserve to be happy and you can’t do that if all you think about is your ex. Whatever your decision, life is to short. Talk about it with the person, or move on, but being hung up in these 14 signs is a waste of time. <3
Side Note: The best medicine for a breakup... is the gym and healthy eating. Nothing feels better than getting your sexy back after a hard breakup.
Seems like an easy answer right? I was slapping stomachs clearly... BUT before we get into that...
Happy New Years! It is that time again for that "New Year... New Me" bullshit. All I have been hearing my girlfriends talk about is how they are cutting people off, losing weight, and not allowing random men to shove their meat swords down their throats... You know... really trying to do shit right this year! Sadly, we all know that by March, they are going to be 15 pounds heavier, with more friends then ever, using semen as a chaser to the Ciroc that got them on their backs in the first place. It’s a sick endless weight-gaining dick loving cycle. Meanwhile, in Shannon-Land I am just hoping my daughter will love me enough to NOT SHIT IN THE BATHTUB while I am bathing her! Mainly because its not like she is shitting formed logs that can be handled in one humbling hand scoop... this kid literally craps poop glitter that smells like elephant shit; and we all know what happens when glitter gets spilled! You never get it all up... So I just shake my head, and pray for better days. As you can see my girls and I are on totally different pages right now.
Being a mom is hard work!! I mean REALLY HARD WORK. It is even harder when you are a single mother. I did not set out to do this alone… but those were the cards that were dealt to me, and I am playing my hand the best way I can. Looking back I am super disappointed in myself for even placing myself in this situation… I do not regret my daughter AT ALL... and No I am not going to spill the tea on what brought me to be a member of the “You Got Played Bitch now Welcome to the Single Mother’s club”, because regardless of what has been done to me, I will never speak ill of "him" because he is the father of my daughter. But what I can do is give you the 30-second rap up on the situation so we are on the same page on why I am where I am today.
Takes Deep Breath Okay:
Woman is interested in Boy. Woman reaches out to boy. Boy accepts the woman’s attempt at trying to “holla”. Woman and boy begin talking. Boy gives sob story. Boy does not work. Boy does not have a driver’s license. Woman feels bad. Woman moves boy in. Boy gets a job. Boy quits job. Boy gets a job. Boy quits job. Boy decides he wants to start his own business. Woman is supportive. Woman foots the bills because boys business is brining in zero dollars. Woman is Dick-ma-tized. Woman gets pregnant. Woman gets DUMB. Boy claims to be happy. Boy is lying. Boy does not appreciate all the woman does and takes advantage. Woman asks boy where we stand. Boy says building a future. Meanwhile boy is telling close family and friends the complete opposite. Boy manipulates everyone around him. Boy lies to and on everyone around him. Woman feels something is not right and boy’s words versus actions do not add up. Woman has baby. Boy refuses to allow new baby to meet his family. Woman still tries to make it right. Woman is still footing all the bills. Boy shows the type of man he is. Boy threatens new baby. Woman has enough and puts boy out. Woman tries to co-parent. Woman sends countless emails to boy on status of baby. Boy disappears and has yet to help with child. Woman takes boy to court. Boy shows up claiming to want to “do the right thing”. Woman is happy at the change of heart and hopeful for the future. Woman gets played again. Woman never hears from boy after court. Woman is on her own raising a child with no support or communication from the boy. Boy is now moved on to a new woman to use. The End.
Typical story right? I can say in the beginning I was devastated… literally broken hearted and lost on what to do with a baby, but after the dust settled, I realized I am better off; and all I can do is be the best mother I can be. I am always asked… Why don’t you drop the fathers last name off your daughters name; and though it was a thought… at the end of the day, this child, regardless of how he decides to handle this situation, is his. Period. If she decides when she gets to a certain age to drop the last name that will be her decision. Not mine.
SO now that we are caught up…
I have an eight-month-old daughter by the name of Tahiry Arielle Spencer-Patterson. She was born on April 28, 2016… and she is… SOMETHING. I was a dog person… and I had that schedule down to a science. Feed, cuddle, walk, and pick up shit then repeat. Now I have an entire human being to care for. She is my little miracle baby. I was told by some fancy doctor in Killen, Texas I was unable to have a child… because I had fibroids the size of golf balls and endometriosis… and funny enough the ultrasounds (while pregnant) confirmed that diagnoses… so I can only charge this entire situation to fate. Tahiry was meant to be, and I am sure she is going to be an amazing little human being. I mean she literally poops shit glitter for goodness sakes! If that isn’t amazing… then you tell me what is!
On the road to her greatness…I will be sharing our wonderful/funny/crazy moments… and between her and I… I am POSITIVE there will be amazing lessons and situations we encounter. When times get tough... all I can do is turn on Sesame Street, and make sure my Vodka is chilled... because being a mom... is a fucked up fabulous journey!