The fucking friend zone sucks! It is literally the black hole of sadness! Once someone falls in... its damn near impossible to get out. Statistically, there is a 99.9% chance that you will never leave "the zone" once you've been mentally labeled as the dreaded friend.
For all my mathematician readers, who believe in true love, you clearly see there is still hope! 0.1% of hope to be exact! So, I started thinking... let’s explore this 0.1%. It could be VERY POSSIBLE your soul mate is sitting right there in the front row of the friend zone section; and you are standing in the way of your own happiness.
*Pause*: before I get sued... those statistics up there... total bullshit. I literally just made those numbers up. They were just used to paint a mental picture which clearly it worked if you are still reading... *Un-Pause*
We all have "that friend".... You know the one! The one that may not be your type; but they are not bad looking either. You just never saw yourself in a relationship with them, so you really never paid attention. They are your “fix everything always there” person. Whenever something happens, you run to them for advice! They are the ones you vent too when you want to go on and on about issues no one gives a fuck about. The one who listens no matter what, even when they want to scream SHUT THAT SHIT UP ALREADY!
I hate to bust your delusional “that’s my friend” bubble, but I am about to run down 10 signs you have friend zoned someone who you simply shouldn’t have, and now you are missing out on your happily ever slapping stomachs after.
*Disclaimer: If you are married, or have friend zoned someone who is married (as you should) please don't go reading my blog; having epiphanies and shit; wanting to contact the one “that got away”. I am not responsible for the break-up of any marriages or fuckery. You feel like you married the wrong person, and life sucks, well welcome to marriage. Odds are you probably should have married someone from the friendzone… but instead you settled for someone who seemed right now you hate life. Own your shit. Don’t be a douche and cheat. Stop trying to re-invent the wheel; and be miserable with the other married couples. Hate Mail will be deleted - yes I have received hate mail from married... soon to be divorced couples on my blog topics *
1. Your priorities have changed
Yep… its official! Reality has set in, and you are realizing that what was important to you in your 20's, really doesn't cut the fucking mustard in your 30's. When you are in your 20’s you want someone, who is: exciting, adventurous, sexy, loves the nightlife, tall… but not too tall, with a nice ass, humps like a rabbit, and is care free loving life! Once you turn 30, you just want someone who is going to know what to order you from the take out when you are too fucking lazy to cook, who has a decent job, understands the benefits of a 401K/IRA, has or is working towards a better credit score, and who understands the joys in staying in the house on a Saturday night, drinking Hennessy, and watching a good movie. You no longer believe in the “Perfect Mate” check list; because you are now mature enough to know, there is no such thing as the perfect person. If you do find the perfect person, BEWARE and check your credit! IMMEDIATELY! You just got got son! #IdentityTheftIsReal #FreeCreditReport.com
2. They are loyal
I need to define the word loyal, because some of you have no fucking clue what the word means.
(Adjective): a. A god among mere men
With dog-like faithfulness towards one’s master/ mistress
Dammit! After reading that a few times, I just don’t feel like that was a good definition. Sorry! I haven’t used a dictionary in a long fucking time thanks to my good friends at Google (Shout out to Mr. Larry Page for helping me get my degree… without google…those C’s would have been F’s!). But loyalty is defined by me as someone who you can give a knife and be sure that they won’t stab you with it! Most people in the “friend zone” have proved their loyalty time and time again; so, loyalty will never be an issue. If it was an issue; they wouldn’t be a friend!
3. You Are Comfortable as Fuck When They Are Around
You can shit, burp, fart, pick boulders out your nose, let the girls hang free, have your balls smell like vinegar and struggle, walk around with holes in your underwear, take your wig off, and let your crusty feet breath!!! WHO CARES! You are completely comfortable in each other’s presence. You have seen each other at your worst, and it did not even phase you! You might crack a joke or two, but that’s as far as it goes! You just don’t seem to notice or care! If that is not true love, what is?
4. They Aren’t Annoyed by Your Quirks
So, what he listens to Ginuwine every morning, and sounds like a Billy goat trying to get that note out. So, what she knows every line to the movie Mean Girls; and randomly blurts out “It’s not my fault I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina”. Other people may find those quirks to be ANNOYING, but they just don’t phase you! To have someone who accepts those quirky habits… is someone worth taking a second glance at!
5. They Simply Know You Inside and Out
You can have a bad day; and no words need to be said. They just know what to do/say to make it better. Finding someone you have a spiritual tie too… who can since when shit just isn’t right… is rare. To walk away from something so powerful is fucking dumb!
6. They Don’t Sugar Coat SHIT
You are being an asshole; and everyone around you is scared to step up and say something. Not old Friend Zone! Shit what do they have to lose? They have no problem giving it to you straight; because that is the relationship dynamic you have. Frankly it is needed! We all need someone who is going to give it to us straight NO CHASER when we have our heads up our asses!
7. We Only Had Sex Once, It Was an Accident
Yea, because Dicks and Vaginas just bump into each other and sex somehow happens! If you had sex, it is because on some subconscious level you wanted too. Period. It’s a fact people. You can claim it was an accident, or claim it was because you drank too much… but I have NEVER gotten drunk and decided to fuck my blood brother. That shit just does not happen! The body will always tell on you when the opportunity presents itself; and when it does, it is not always a great experience. When friends take it there; the first time may be terrible, because they are questioning the act/but relieved it is happening in the same breath. That’s a lot of emotion to take in. Only way to know what you are dealing with is to give it a real chance. It’s clearly more than a physical thing!
8. Your Family Fucking Loves Them
Accept it! Your family wants you guys together even if you deny there being any chemistry there. That is because regardless of what you tell your family… it’s a feeling everyone feels when you are around each other that cannot be denied or explained! You family annoyingly ask how your “friend” is doing; and never miss an opportunity to throw how great you are for each other in your face!
9. You Can Eat Around Them
Fuck ordering a salad with dressing on the side; you go for the T-bone with mash potatoes and cheesecake for dessert! Why? Because you don’t give a fuck that’s why! They are your friend; therefore, you don’t have to pretend! You can be yourself! If you like putting sugar on your rice; or ketchup on your eggs you do it, and you are happy!
10. They Are the FIRST PERSON You Think to Tell When Something Happens
Got Fired? Won a contest? Saw some funny shit on Facebook/Instagram? Your kids did something super funny? Got a Promotion? Found out you are relocating? The craziest thing ever happens? Who is the first person you want to tell. Is it the person you friend-zoned? You don’t find that person very often because they are rare to come by!
Bottom line, if some or all of these things apply to you; it’s because you friend zoned someone who shouldn’t have been. They may not check off every box on the “Perfect Person” check list; but somehow they are still the perfect person for you. Stop worrying about shit that doesn’t matter. Life is too short for that. If you found someone that “completes you” take them out the fucking friend zone and see where things go! The transition is never easy, but always worth it. Worst case scenario, you realize you shouldn’t have crossed the line, and go back to being great friends; best case scenario, you fall in love, and life is a real-life movie! You will never know until you try! Take a chance.